At the age of 39, I no longer have the luxury of chancing upon the “right guy” to have kids with, in his (or my) own time. I also don’t want to torture myself with the prospect, indefinitely longing for a child and constantly grieving, withdrawing, then re-launching into dating.
So I decided to approach the situation pragmatically. I created a checklist of “must haves” and dealbreakers. Each date now gets matched ruthlessly against the checklist, and ranked. No exceptions, no excuses, I wrote in my checklist. The only way to make sure I can find someone to have children with is to approach it as a numbers game, and refuse to compromise.
Here it is, in all of its relentless glory:
What I want:
To find someone to have a kid with.
What that looks like:
- Financially independent
- Emotionally mature
- Interested in having kids
- Similar sense of humour
- Totally taken with me (not just mildly interested/turned on).
- Doesn’t pay for meals
- Doesn’t open doors
- Constantly scanning for others
- Constantly checking e-mail/texts
- Emotionally unavailable
- Physically unavailable
- Annoying behaviour/mannerisms
Do not blind yourself to the dealbreakers. No excuses, no exceptions.
It was working great on the obvious duds: those guys who weren’t ready to have kids yet. I was feeling safe, congratulating myself that it was getting me to move on more quickly and painlessly, protect myself from “falling” for anyone who was obviously not going to be good material to have kids with.
I just found the flaw in the system last night. My checklist doesn’t account for what happens when my date fulfills all of the conditions, and is for all accounts flawless. But my heart is a metronome when I’m around him.
Can a spark be created with time?