Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

Online dating hazards January 31, 2009

Filed under: Dating,Singleness — datehazard @ 4:20 pm
Tags: , ,

Life just got a little interesting and a little busy, date-wise.

I went out on a date last night with Corporate Lawyer. It was date #2 and we dutifully followed the formula of the first kiss on the second date, after dinner, a bottle of wine and a round of drinks at a nearby bar. Date #1 was weeks ago — he’d first contacted me online shortly after New Year’s day 2009, and we met up early in the new year. He went skiing for a week, I was busy and out of town for another, and we finally met up again.

He is nothing like the kind of person I think I would date seriously. He’s two years older than me but has never been in a serious relationship that lasted longer than a year. Meanwhile, I’ve been married and divorced (relationship lasted for 5 years in total) and tend to be a long-term relationship sort of person. It might explain my general awkwardness when it comes to dating: I never know what to do or what to expect. As this dating experiment keeps going, I’m getting a little better at observing and a little less interested in being completely involved. That kind of — for lack of a better word — coldness (aloofness?) — is a practiced skill, for sure. It also works better when applied to someone that one’s heart doesn’t race for.

I’m wondering whether taking it to the next step would be simply inviting trouble. I’m not sure I’m quite skilled enough to have a “let’s just sleep together because we need some intimacy” kind of relationship. I tend to get involved (see above), and if he’s the kind who doesn’t, well… It doesn’t even take a second-grade mathematician to figure that one out!

Meanwhile, I’ve decided to upgrade an existing dating profile after my decision two days ago to take dating a little more seriously. No more automatic “go away”/”next” responses from me — and no more guilt about entertaining my options, either.

There’s a nagging feeling that I’m being just a little too opportunistic and selfish. The last thing I want is to turn into my former roommate Laura. Laura’s dating style would be to date a different person each weekend, and to sleep with each one as a matter of fact, then rapidly become bitter and accusatory of her date’s fickleness. I never really understood what looked to me to be a kind of mania. I mean, Laura was a really attractive woman, funny, intelligent, engaging, but she could cut her dates off so quickly. And her excisions were always accompanied by unmitigated, 100% blame for the other party.

I was a chicken. I never dared contradict her. Plus I lived with the woman. I tried to sympathize, even as I felt a little bewildered and skeptical.

 

Urg. It’s going to take some practice January 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — datehazard @ 8:46 am

I just noticed in my post about trying to embrace being single, that I even said, “Being single means being able to date other people.”

I think this is going to take some practice. What I MEANT to say was, “being single means being able to date.”

The centre of my dating universe has just dissolved. “Release… let go…”

 

Adjusting to being single

Filed under: Dating,Singleness — datehazard @ 8:39 am

I woke up this morning and realised that my disappointment in my ex was an indicator. I’d been holding myself in reserve for him, holding out for faint hope. We hadn’t really done the whole mourning period/”let’s not talk for X months” thing. That painful adjustment period where the fuzzy warmth of coupledom (no matter how dysfunctional) is replaced with the unrelenting reality of constant, single decision-making. No longer is there that other half to consult for feedback, from as mundane an issue as “what should I wear today?” to “I’m having a problem at work, can I talk to you?”

It’s the seemingly banal, the everyday lived experience, that is the hardest adjustment of breakups. Life itself becomes a constant cruel reminder of aloneness. Even the banal is now stripped of any vestiges of charm.

But you know what? Being single means being able to date other people. So instead of me pretending to try by getting onto a dating website and saying “no” to 50 people who replied (then deleting my profile and running away), I’m going to start taking chances again.

I’m not quite sure what those will be right now. Stay tuned.

 

What a difference… a day makes

Filed under: Dating,Exes — datehazard @ 1:03 am

Like the song famously performed by Dinah Washington, so go my dating (mis)adventures.

Just yesterday, I was thinking seriously about getting back together — again — with my ex. It didn’t matter that he’d lied to me from the moment we met, or that he became so convinced of his own lies he had real difficulty with admitting the truth. But he’d changed since we’d broken up — he’d bought himself a book on listening skills, and was applying its lessons, daily. I could see some of his behaviour changing as well, his ability to focus was increasing, his self-discipline at not always inserting himself into someone else’s situation and overriding what they said with what he thinks they should have said. I was starting to have hope again, starting to believe that maybe this was a behaviour that could be changed, instead of a fatal flaw. Even my friend said, “you have to give him an ‘A’ for effort!”

And then today, he tells me in a kind of “by the way” manner about some woman he’d met on a dating site who had texted him a long message on his work phone.

I asked him why he’d given her his work number and why he’d entertained her very long text, and he replied, thoughtlessly, “Because I like talking to her.”

This was the same guy who had also told me, yesterday, that he’d not been talking seriously to anyone, and called me to ask whether he could drive 12 hours to spend Valentine’s Day with me. When I cautiously replied that I wasn’t sure it was a good idea, he was dejected and said that he’d have a hard time because he wants to get back together with me. I said the most I was willing to concede at this point was if we got together, on Valentine’s Day, to do something we both really wanted to do. In my head, I thought, “who knows, maybe something will develop?”

My role in all of this is that I am, for the first time, stuck in this pattern. I even posted a comment wondering if throwing myself into work would be a solution. Ed: Yes, it is. 🙂

What do you think? What’s worked for you? And how the heck did I end up being in this repetitive cycle anyway?

 

A welcome and a first post January 29, 2009

Filed under: Loneliness — datehazard @ 11:12 pm

I have a confession to make.

I’ve never had a blog before.

I decided to join the 20th century, kicking and screaming, because I’m fed up. I’m tired of feeling alone and of being single. Maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for through this blog: maybe I’ll find a community of peers, people who can also share their stories. I want to hear from you, I want to read your stories of woe, your shared triumphs. I want to read a blog as well that’s not all “oh yeah, I was single once, but my life is SO together now, look at my pregnancy” nonsense.

I want you to know that you’re not alone. That the dull, gnawing tedium of just-another-Friday-night-at-home feeling is being shared, right now, by thousands, if not millions of people, just like you, just like me, all around the world. The despair and the seeming lack of end to this dark tunnel is an illusion. Or if it isn’t, and that tunnel never ends, then what needs to happen is a new appreciation of that long dark hallway.

I’m also using this blog to air out some of my grievances, and release them into the ethernet, to vanish as so many millions of bits and bytes.

My favourite yoga instructor always makes us “release… and let go,” after all. Her mantra is all about the release. It’s a chant I find incredibly soothing.

Welcome to my blog. You are in safe hands.