Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

The Checklist May 18, 2013

Filed under: Dating,frustration — datehazard @ 6:12 am
Tags: , ,

At the age of 39, I no longer have the luxury of chancing upon the “right guy” to have kids with, in his (or my) own time. I also don’t want to torture myself with the prospect, indefinitely longing for a child and constantly grieving, withdrawing, then re-launching into dating.

So I decided to approach the situation pragmatically. I created a checklist of “must haves” and dealbreakers. Each date now gets matched ruthlessly against the checklist, and ranked. No exceptions, no excuses, I wrote in my checklist. The only way to make sure I can find someone to have children with is to approach it as a numbers game, and refuse to compromise.

Here it is, in all of its relentless glory:

———-

What I want:

To find someone to have a kid with.

What that looks like:

  • Financially independent
  • Emotionally mature
  • Interested in having kids
  • Similar sense of humour
  • Totally taken with me (not just mildly interested/turned on).

Dealbreakers:

  • Doesn’t pay for meals
  • Doesn’t open doors
  • Constantly scanning for others
  • Constantly checking e-mail/texts
  • Emotionally unavailable
  • Physically unavailable
  • Annoying behaviour/mannerisms

Do not blind yourself to the dealbreakers. No excuses, no exceptions.

———-

It was working great on the obvious duds: those guys who weren’t ready to have kids yet. I was feeling safe, congratulating myself that it was getting me to move on more quickly and painlessly, protect myself from “falling” for anyone who was obviously not going to be good material to have kids with.

Except.

I just found the flaw in the system last night. My checklist doesn’t account for what happens when my date fulfills all of the conditions, and is for all accounts flawless. But my heart is a metronome when I’m around him.

Can a spark be created with time?

 

Filled with hope May 14, 2013

Filed under: breakups,Dating,Desire — datehazard @ 10:35 pm
Tags: , , ,

It’s 10:40 p.m., and I’m sitting in my living room, the muted sounds of a slow keyboard melody filtering through my ceiling. My neighbours are upstairs, crafting a quiet, repetitive tune.

It’s the perfect accompaniement to my pensive state. I just got off the phone after talking to Sparkling Eyes. I’d forgotten all about him until I ran across my post from 2009. And I was immediately transported to the magic of that evening; the way my breathing slowed when we spoke; the way that rare, deeply intimate space had been created that evening.

And then the discovery of his marriage and kids. And the devastation I felt, even as I’d lied in my blog entry, brushing off the blow as “just one of those things.” After that evening, I’d had words with Sparkling Eyes, accusing him of lying to me, and of being duplicitous. And he insisted he had not; that he and his wife were newly divorced, or separated–I can’t recall the specifics now–but the damage had been done, and I’d said too many unkind words.

Months later, when dating who would become my (now) ex-husband, I received a text, out of the blue, from Sparkling Eyes, saying that if I’d ever change my mind, to get in touch with him, and how sorry he was that things went sideways. It was phrased as though I’d spoken with him just the day before. And when I told him to move on with his life, he was confused; which resulted ultimately in a phone call clarification; he told me he’d sent that text six months prior, after our last phone call. Somehow it had gotten stuck in a queue and I’d only received it long after I’d given up hope, and moved on, ultimately marrying someone that I should never have married.

But one does what one does, and I moved on.

Revisiting my writing, I felt all the high and low of that evening as though it had just happened. And Sparkling Eyes’ full name came to me in a moment of quiet.

And so I contacted him at the last e-mail address I had for him, with the full expectation that my message would bounce back, stamped “unknown recipient”. And I’d breathe a sigh of relief, telling myself, “I guess it was not meant to be.”

Except that didn’t happen. And we ended up talking. And it ended up being amazing, as though those four years when we last spoke was just the day before. Towards the end of our conversation, there was a moment where we were silent; we remained quietly on the phone for a moment, smiling in wonder at each other.

And I just spoke with him again, and despite an awful family difficulty he’s having to deal with–or maybe because of it?–I feel deeply connected to this man in a way I have never felt connected to any stranger before.

I can’t explain it. And I want to linger in this wonder, and revel at its shimmer.

 

Spring and singleness in a new city May 5, 2013

Filed under: Dating,Singleness — datehazard @ 11:03 am
Tags: , ,

After a long hiatus during which I got married, then separated, I’m back to being single in a brand new city: Toronto.

I’ve made it a priority to focus on finding someone I could have a family with. My standards are higher, but the drama is the same: the same mix of unsure men; liars; emotionally or physically unavailable dudes; players. The difference in Toronto is that most people are forced to conform to the Canadian mould of “being nice.” It is an enforced space that makes it hard to distinguish the asshole from the genuine nice guy–an experience which I learned from the hard way recently after dating a seeming “nice guy” who turned out to be a lying jerk. Unlike in NYC, I couldn’t see this one coming at all, and am still shocked at how good he was at hiding his true nature.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to fall for Mercurial, who’s leaving for Russia in a week. And doesn’t know when he’ll be back.