Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

Nothing stays the same for long February 23, 2009

…especially apparently in NYC.

I was taking a mental health day and staying away from dating scenarios, but it looks like they caught up to me anyway.

A few things happened:
1) I decided I no longer want to date The Charmer;
2) My roommate’s cute friend The Actor asked for my number;
3) The Grad Student’s friend The Musician wants to get in touch with me;
4) The Canadian Historian and I are playing phone tag; and
5) The Corporate Lawyer sounds like he wants to make things exclusive.

That is a lot of play for someone who is basically an averagely good-looking intelligent woman. And a lot of stuff happening on a day that’s supposed to be about not dating.

It’s also a lot for me to process. For now, I’m going to go to bed.

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The Stand-by February 20, 2009

Filed under: Dating,Desire — datehazard @ 12:16 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Corporate Lawyer and I had dinner this evening, much to my surprise. It was a last-minute thing.

I’d had to go to a networking event after work, and met him after the event. During dinner, we’re having a good time, and I realised how much I’d missed talking to a sane person, after the last week spent obsessing over The Charmer. We talked about the Oscars, and he let slip that he has an old friend staying with him right now, a fellow lawyer. He’s dropped her name a few times and mentioned her casually in conversation enough for me to ask for clarification on their relationship.

I immediately felt guilty that I’d asked. I mean, it’s not like I have been completely truthful with him.

But it’s so weird. I get the feeling that he likes the freedom he has to date other people, but we both don’t really like the feeling that both of us are dating other people, and would prefer to make it exclusive. But neither of us is really prepared to be in that space right now.

He has a lot on his plate. Corporate Lawyer is applying for work and constantly sending out his resume. He’s worried about the downturn in the economy and, as a junior lawyer, expects to have the axe drop on his neck at any time. I can see the worry and concern in his face, and I like knowing that hanging out with me, even if we’re just casual partners, makes him feel good. I also like hanging around with him because we come from very similar places, even if our politics don’t agree. His spending habits are not exorbitant, there’s nothing flashy about him, and he’s a genuinely decent guy.

Basically, he’s the opposite of The Charmer.

And that’s why I find him so uninteresting. The Charmer expresses concern, by habit: asking me to text the minute I get home, so he knows I’m safe and sound. Texting me first thing in the morning, at 6:30 a.m., and doing this consistently each day until it’s a habit; then abruptly stopping the practice. It’s a classic behavioural psychology move: he makes a gambler out of the other person. No wonder he leaves me breathless with anticipation: a critical intellectual is transformed into a cell phone text-watching junkie.

I respect the Corporate Lawyer quite a lot. I think he has integrity and is able to make a good partner. But I also see that he doesn’t feel as though he’s in the right space to have any kind of serious relationship at the moment. And so I don’t press the issue, and I keep dating.

And really, it’s not so bad. For now.

 

…and I was right. I hate when I’m right. February 18, 2009

Just spoke with the Charmer. I was right. He uninvited me from his original trip, explaining that he’d planned to go on the trip by himself, not because our date last night was on any level a “failure.”

So I asked what’s next? And he said he’d like to take me out on a “real date” when he gets back.

I have no clue why we didn’t just make it a “real” date last night then, if that’s the kind of relationship he wants to pursue. It makes no sense to me. Except for the fact that he explained that he’s an impulsive person by nature, and that he’s trying to avoid being so impulsive.

Frankly, I think the explanation is simple: he doesn’t want to have me in his life in the category of “possible girlfriend.” But he doesn’t want to just walk away either. At this point he’s really not sure what he wants.

And to be honest, I’m not sure he’s what I’m looking for, either. What I really liked about him is what he represented to me: he held up a mirror to me and reminded me of the way I’m driven, pretty much a workaholic and someone capable of immersing herself completely in work. And that I’d been whiling away the last year trying to get back into that head space.

So really, I was using him, too. Although I don’t think I knew it at the time.

Who knows what might happen if we decide to get to know each other more carefully? After the heat has faded, we might realise that we really have nothing to talk about, and nothing in common at all.

I do have to say, though, that the meeting of the minds was pretty incredible, even if nothing else happens after this. That, I don’t regret, at all.

Tonight I’m going to bed wearing the t-shirt I wore to his bed last night. It smells of his cologne, but not of him. It is a poor stand in. And I know the scent will dissipate with time.

 

The date with the Charmer

Filed under: Dating,Desire,seduction,Singleness — datehazard @ 10:51 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

So, my “first date” happened with The Charmer last night.

The reasons why first date are in inverted commas are because the date consisted of me spending the night at his house. Hardly conventional. And something I’ve never done before. It started off innocently enough: we ordered pizza, ate in his swanky apartment on his polished granite countertop in his steel-and-birch kitchen, we joked around, me in my jeans and t-shirt, him in his sweats and ball cap. Drank some wine, had a cocktail, cuddled and watched t.v…. and you can fill in the rest.

It was OK. Not great, but OK.

Why not great? Because the guy seriously is neurotic. He self-confessed when I first met him, and I understood more of his neurosis when in his space. He is a clean freak, and is constantly adjusting, cleaning, organizing, Putting Things In Their Place. I washed a cup I’d used with soap and water and placed it to dry in the sink. He noticed it drying, upside-down, and washed it again, with soap and water, then put it in his dishwasher. Any time he used the kitchen or I did, he’d tidy up afterward, wiping down surfaces, rearranging items, making things just right. He’d wipe down the kitchen sink with a paper towel so there would be no water spots any time we used it.

It started to make me really nervous. I wasn’t sure what was allowable and what wasn’t. At one point I wasn’t sure whether it was OK for me to place my ice-filled cocktail glass on my coaster on the granite counter-top, and asked for permission. The Charmer responded with an “Of course! Mi casa es su casa” kind of “casual” response.

During sex, he wanted me to keep my underwear on, which I at first thought was kind of one of those, “I find this totally sexy because of its novelty” approaches, but then I started to realise that it’s a thing with him. This is how he likes it. It’s no surprise that his preferred position is one of the “four-legged variety,” so-to-speak: he prefers to be in control. At All Times.

None of this is terribly horrible, but it’s not really something that allows for someone to really relax, either. Being in his space seriously started to make me itchy after a while. While he took a shower, I did some yoga, repeating the sun salutation a few times, a few warrior 2 poses, and lots of slow breathing.

And I still like him. A lot. In fact, maybe even more so than before. I can’t explain it. It’s just one of those things.

I honestly don’t know whether to go on vacation with him this weekend (which he’d originally suggested); I want him to ask me, but I don’t know if he will. He’s going to call me this evening. I suspect that’s when he’ll let me know what he’s decided. I have a pretty good hunch he’s finding a way to let me down easy. Otherwise I’d imagine he’d have asked me already.

I didn’t bring it up at all. It was the elephant in the room all last night, and all this morning.

And now, to bury myself in work.

 

Possibly Probably making a mistake February 16, 2009

The Charmer called. We made plans to meet up tomorrow, at his swanky apartment profiled in a major international newspaper (he was also quoted in the same article). I have to give it to him, he is a smooth operator. This is how it went.

“Hey DH, how’s it going? How are you doing, sweetie?”

“I’m fine, TC, much better now that I’m hearing from you — I’d been waiting for your promised call this morning. How are you? How’s work going? I’m glad you managed to finally squeeze some time away.”

“Well, it’s really busy since the acquisition of the other company late last year. Then at the same time that deal was being negotiated, we decided to expand operations into another country. Then my Dad had a health problem, so I was at one point in the hospital, with my mom and dad arguing in the background while I was trying to talk to the lawyers to negotiate both deals. You can’t make this stuff up.” (laughs).

“Yikes. Is your Dad doing ok? What happened?”

“Oh he’s better now. He’d had a quadruple bypass and they found out that his arteries were really clogged, so he had a choice of having to do another quadruple bypass or having stents put in. So he opted for the stents, which is why he was in the hospital for some time.”

“I’m glad to hear he’s better.” Pause. “I’m wondering if I could talk to you about your text message about meeting up.”

“Yeah… (laughs). I figured you probably thought it was a weird message, and a strange way to have a first date. I can assure you that I don’t always arrange first dates like that, but because this week is so packed and I want to spend some time with you and figure out whether we can get along, I felt like I had to send a direct message like that. But I really don’t do stuff like that.” (Laughs).

“I figured it was something to that effect. I mean, I also checked the time of your text message, and figured from your subsequent one that you were probably a little drunk when you sent it, so you probably didn’t intend for it to have quite the bluntness that it did.”

“Yeah, well, no, it wasn’t just that I was drunk, it was because I wasn’t sure how to fit all of these things together. But yeah, I probably would have phrased it somewhere along the lines of, ‘you know, I don’t often do this, and I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but how do you feel about…'”

We both laughed. Ha ha ha.

“So, I figure we could meet up tomorrow, I’ll get my car service to pick you up and bring you here, and we can have a carpet picnic or whatever, maybe I’ll get a DVD and we can watch something.”

“Uh… Well, where do you live? I mean, I could easily take the train there. The trains run all night, right? How far away from the station are you?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ll give you my address, I’ll just arrange for the car service. It’s really no problem at all.”

“And by the way, I don’t want to have you think I would stay overnight and you’d have to drive me in to town the next morning. Let’s leave that possibility open and see what happens.”

“Oh, no, really, you’ll see, I’m a perfect gentleman. I have an extra bedroom and everything, so if you want to stay there, that’s perfectly fine with me; if not, whatever — there’s no pressure at all. Seriously, I want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

I hate to say it, but he’s smooth.

He continued, “But I would suggest you might want to pack an overnight bag; I mean, just in case you stay. It’s also more convenient so you can have your stuff with you if you need it.”

The guy is seriously amusing me.

What the hell. I’ll give it a go. There are lots of horrible worst-case scenarios, but I don’t think many of them will apply to this situation. And I am seriously entertained by this guy’s shenanigans!

 

What to do when you’re lonely February 15, 2009

Filed under: Adjusting,Desire,frustration,Singleness — datehazard @ 10:48 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

One thing I’ve found that works really well is to do some work. Work that is intellectually stimulating but also possibly brings you into contact with other people. This evening, after feeling blue all day, I met up with a group of fellow writers for our regular get-together. We discussed the assigned writing for the week, went through what worked, what needed help, and ate some lovely snacks.

It was exactly the kind of push I needed to stop wallowing and fixating on my upcoming conversation with the Charmer. He is out on a date, and offered to call me at the end of his evening. I suspect that would be some time early next morning, if at all. Why do guys make offers that they have no intention of keeping? He’d also let me know that last night he’d escorted his “colleague” (his quotations) to a work-related get together, and ended up sleeping at her place as a result of “too much wine.” Right. I’m sure the wine played a very small role in the reason why he slept over.

I want to talk to him to tell him that I’m not interested in having a casual relationship with him. But at the same time, I’m really wondering whether that’s a good decision. I remember how attracted I was to him, and it confuses me. When my feelings override my reason, I always become confused. And probably spend too much time thinking about what I should do next, instead of making a prudent decision.

In any case, the point is moot, since he hasn’t called, and I’m starting to feel more inclined to giving Corporate Lawyer a chance. We’ll see. At this point it’s too difficult to make a decision one way or another. Meanwhile, I’m looking forward to starting my next writing assignment. I offered to submit my work for the next meeting, in a genre I haven’t practiced in over 10 years. It’s an excuse to practice that form, and I could use the challenge. And the excuse to shift my focus from something I have little control over.

 

Tough decisions

I had a restless night last night. I spoke with my old friend and former flame, Computer Programmer, yesterday, entertaining him with some of my dating stories. He was both amused and a little jealous. He remarked a little sarcastically, “wow, a luxury of riches” when I told him about the Charmer and the Corporate Lawyer and the kind of attention I’d gotten recently at a bar. I laughed along — I tend to like laughing at myself, in any case. And I understood the kind of place he was in, feeling lonely and resenting being single.

But I woke up with a heavy, intense loneliness. I wanted to talk to The Charmer about his obnoxious text message and left a voicemail asking him to return my call. He hasn’t called me back yet, probably thinking I’m out on the group outing I’d been planning to go to. I also think my slow response is testing his patience. He is Mr. Right Now, and seems to be most interested in indulging his desires. One of the “Too Much Information” (TMI) details he disclosed right off the bat when we first met was his experimentation with hedonism. I didn’t even know it was a possible lifestyle choice, and I listened with an equal measure of amusement and curiosity.

All I want is something that seems so simple, so basic: the touch of another human being, a shared laugh, someone else’s warm breath on my nose, a pair of lips brushing mine. The Charmer seems more interested in contact of another variety, and Corporate Lawyer is distant and respectful. Neither is what I’m looking for, and I’m feeling sad. I think I might prefer to be alone instead of being reminded of what I don’t have; what doesn’t fit.