Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

Back at the start. Again. And again. April 18, 2009

Filed under: Dating,frustration,Loneliness — datehazard @ 1:15 am
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I honestly don’t know how many times I’m supposed to be back here. Once again, someone who seemed promising started to distance himself. Then finally reveal that his ex is coming to visit him soon, and that they “just” broke up. More than 6 months ago. And that he doesn’t think anything might happen.

Doesn’t think so? How about knows for sure? How about that?

I am sick and tired of the games and the drama. When will this end?

Why is it so goddamned difficult to find someone to date?

 

Fear and confusion March 24, 2009

Filed under: Dating,frustration,Loneliness,Singleness — datehazard @ 7:21 am
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Sometimes everything comes from all quarters, and it’s all unwanted.

I’m not sure what happened, but I’m in a dating lull at the moment. What seemed at one point promising with The Analyst evaporated, like so much ethanol on warm skin. He was supposed to come over to my neighbourhood last weekend, but he never showed up, and he didn’t reply to my text. I know it’s not because he’s suddenly dead or something catastrophic happened to him; I saw his log on details on the dating website where we’d met. I thought things had gone really well. I guess he got cold feet. Or perhaps my hunch that he’d just broken up with someone was right — and that the other person had come back in his life again. At the least, I thought he’d have given me some indication of a reason for the abrupt shift.

Meanwhile the only real option seems to be the insatiable Author, who is both too old for me and too voracious. It’s a combination I find tedious and terribly dull. He wants me to sleep with a woman, in his presence. It’s a male desire so typical and so banal that I don’t even find the challenge of finding a suitable woman or the novelty of an orgy worth pursuing.

Instead, I wish he would invite me to the events he tends to go to — professional award ceremonies which would kill lesser mortals, but which always make me incredibly fascinated. I told him I was always up for that type of event, but received no invitation, only a request for acclamation and praise. Like I said. Dull.

There’s another singles event I’ll be going to this Thursday. It’s organized by the same group and it’s a similar event to the one where I met The Charmer. I don’t have high hopes for this one. Expecting to meet someone with instant chemistry again is, I think, like asking to be struck by lightning twice.

And that’s another disappointment. The Charmer promised he’d call after his trip — a week has gone by, with no word from him. I don’t know why I even waited, I think this was his way of letting me down easy. I guess I was just hoping.

 

Dating Dhervish March 14, 2009

Filed under: Comedy,Dating,Desire,frustration,Singleness — datehazard @ 10:57 am
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Last night I went out on a first date with the Hedge Fund Trader. I almost called it off, I was feeling so tired from partying a little too hard two nights ago. I’d gone out with the Grad Student and his gay former roommate, and ended up stumbling home after a series of gay bars filled with cute, uninterested men, at about 4 in the morning. Yesterday was pretty much a write-off in terms of work.

The date with HFT went well. But I felt no spark.

I am seriously getting irritated with what exactly it is that results in that heart-fluttering reaction anyway. If someone can bottle this, I will pay them for it, for the chance to spray it on a Suitable Nice Person like HFT so that I can reciprocate his affections.

Because he was seriously digging me. I mean, he didn’t lose his head and say something ridiculous, or promise some kind of everlasting love and affection, but I definitely got the “I am interested in taking things to a more serious level with you, if things keep going the way they’ve gone tonight.”

He’s a nice guy; intelligent; funny; attentive but laid-back; not too bad to look at; and a great kisser. And not at all interesting to me.

Meanwhile, I am really looking forward to seeing The Analyst today: the guy who seems reticent, a little depressed, lonely, and probably more in need of hobbies and finding personal fulfillment than getting a girlfriend. But he’s exactly the kind of person I always go for. When men make me work, I chase them. When they chase me, I’m skeptical.

It would be great to have a rational, orderly relationship, but chaos, heartbreak and comedy are generally the order of the day.

And I’m STILL obsessing about The Charmer. We never met this week because he was too busy, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m leaving it up to him to get his stuff together and get in touch with me. Even as I’d like nothing better but to call him and see how he’s doing. Crumbs from this guy keeps me going for days. It’s humiliating, and embarrassing. And I’m doing it to myself.

 

Loneliness

Sometimes, I hate romantic movies. Or romantic scenes in movies. They bring up that aching, yearning sensation for intimacy, physical and emotional, which is generally present in most romantic relationships, even if the relationship’s going off the rails.

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with The Grad Student, who told me that he’d had a rough night, dreaming about his ex. He dreamt that he asked her why she just left, instead of telling him or talking to him. He’d awakened, angry and disappointed, and called me to talk about it. We went through the usual “why are you in this spot, what do you need to move on” stuff, but something he said made me think about the way that loneliness is so hard to delimit. It’s one of those things that just seeps up in quiet moments, a nagging lack.

Work is a good distraction, but no one can work all day, all the time. Friends are great, too, but the conversation ends, and echoes of that intimacy slowly fade into the emptiness.

 

Birthday week is the busiest week March 2, 2009

Filed under: Desire,frustration,Singleness — datehazard @ 10:54 pm
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It’s my birthday this week. I turn 35.

If I could catch a breath to think about that, I might feel a little sad; mainly because my life isn’t where I’d imagined it would be at this point. And it would be nice to be able to catch my breath.

But it is a really crazy week. Work-related functions have just sky-rocketed and I have 6 major functions to attend in a space of 4 days. Each function will take about 3-4 hours of my time. Some of the functions will require much more time than that. And they are all on consecutive days, and require that I have my people skills in place as I will be dealing with a lot of different types of people. And somewhere in there the Corporate Lawyer wants to see me and (pardon my French) fuck my brains out. Trust me, I am long overdue for a good session. But I just don’t have the time this week.

I know he’ll be disappointed. He’d been trying to make plans to spend a night together for a few weeks now. But it’s either I drop these events (which happen once a year), or I drop my plans with him. They are not compatible.

Again, this schedule is not what I’d envisioned for a relaxing birthday week. My initial plan was to take an extended long weekend and go somewhere cheap and warm, like Florida, or wherever I could find a cheap travel deal. Instead, I’m going to be working my butt off, and having to shift gears several times this week, between teaching, then networking, then mingling, and politicking.

Attending all of these events means that I don’t even have the space to think about turning 35. It’s a great way to stay focussed, and I’m really glad I love what I do.

But clearly, once again, work wins.

When am I going to learn how to prioritize my social life?

 

Nasty news February 21, 2009

Filed under: breakups,Drama,Exes — datehazard @ 2:15 pm
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Well, I just had a rather unexpected update from my friend The Artist about what exactly happened on the night she got really drunk and ended up at The Grad Student’s house.

Apparently it wasn’t just that she’d gotten drunk, but that she and the Grad Student had kissed. He’d been putting the moves on her, and he’d also said to my friend, “What shall we tell DH? Don’t tell her something happened. Maybe we can just tell her that you stayed over because you were really drunk?”

And just yesterday, The Grad Student was telling me how he thought I was beautiful and incredibly desirable. Which I’d laughed off and dismissed as so much loneliness. We’d spent the entire day talking about his problems, and I’d been sympathetic about his breakup, trying to encourage him to keep moving on.

And now, once again, I feel used. Once upon a time The Grad Student and I had a thing — a long time ago when I was on the rebound from my ex and had just moved to NYC. We’d managed to work through it, but there had always been that tension, which I generally ignored or pushed aside. After our attempt to date, I realised that he wasn’t the right person for me, and I told him that. And kept dating other people.

And now I am stuck in this awkward situation where I had to promise The Artist that I wouldn’t reveal the fact that they’d kissed. And I can’t act on my anger and ask The Grad Student to explain his actions, and why it was at all important to hide this information from me. And I can’t warn The Artist about this guy, who is clearly playing the both of us, because she would think it’s so much jealousy on my part. And I feel personally responsible for making sure she doesn’t get hurt. Especially when she’s in this particular state. And I’m the one who introduced them to each other.

Men are pigs. Seriously. And clearly I am ridiculously naive.

 

…and I was right. I hate when I’m right. February 18, 2009

Just spoke with the Charmer. I was right. He uninvited me from his original trip, explaining that he’d planned to go on the trip by himself, not because our date last night was on any level a “failure.”

So I asked what’s next? And he said he’d like to take me out on a “real date” when he gets back.

I have no clue why we didn’t just make it a “real” date last night then, if that’s the kind of relationship he wants to pursue. It makes no sense to me. Except for the fact that he explained that he’s an impulsive person by nature, and that he’s trying to avoid being so impulsive.

Frankly, I think the explanation is simple: he doesn’t want to have me in his life in the category of “possible girlfriend.” But he doesn’t want to just walk away either. At this point he’s really not sure what he wants.

And to be honest, I’m not sure he’s what I’m looking for, either. What I really liked about him is what he represented to me: he held up a mirror to me and reminded me of the way I’m driven, pretty much a workaholic and someone capable of immersing herself completely in work. And that I’d been whiling away the last year trying to get back into that head space.

So really, I was using him, too. Although I don’t think I knew it at the time.

Who knows what might happen if we decide to get to know each other more carefully? After the heat has faded, we might realise that we really have nothing to talk about, and nothing in common at all.

I do have to say, though, that the meeting of the minds was pretty incredible, even if nothing else happens after this. That, I don’t regret, at all.

Tonight I’m going to bed wearing the t-shirt I wore to his bed last night. It smells of his cologne, but not of him. It is a poor stand in. And I know the scent will dissipate with time.

 

Possibly Probably making a mistake February 16, 2009

The Charmer called. We made plans to meet up tomorrow, at his swanky apartment profiled in a major international newspaper (he was also quoted in the same article). I have to give it to him, he is a smooth operator. This is how it went.

“Hey DH, how’s it going? How are you doing, sweetie?”

“I’m fine, TC, much better now that I’m hearing from you — I’d been waiting for your promised call this morning. How are you? How’s work going? I’m glad you managed to finally squeeze some time away.”

“Well, it’s really busy since the acquisition of the other company late last year. Then at the same time that deal was being negotiated, we decided to expand operations into another country. Then my Dad had a health problem, so I was at one point in the hospital, with my mom and dad arguing in the background while I was trying to talk to the lawyers to negotiate both deals. You can’t make this stuff up.” (laughs).

“Yikes. Is your Dad doing ok? What happened?”

“Oh he’s better now. He’d had a quadruple bypass and they found out that his arteries were really clogged, so he had a choice of having to do another quadruple bypass or having stents put in. So he opted for the stents, which is why he was in the hospital for some time.”

“I’m glad to hear he’s better.” Pause. “I’m wondering if I could talk to you about your text message about meeting up.”

“Yeah… (laughs). I figured you probably thought it was a weird message, and a strange way to have a first date. I can assure you that I don’t always arrange first dates like that, but because this week is so packed and I want to spend some time with you and figure out whether we can get along, I felt like I had to send a direct message like that. But I really don’t do stuff like that.” (Laughs).

“I figured it was something to that effect. I mean, I also checked the time of your text message, and figured from your subsequent one that you were probably a little drunk when you sent it, so you probably didn’t intend for it to have quite the bluntness that it did.”

“Yeah, well, no, it wasn’t just that I was drunk, it was because I wasn’t sure how to fit all of these things together. But yeah, I probably would have phrased it somewhere along the lines of, ‘you know, I don’t often do this, and I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but how do you feel about…'”

We both laughed. Ha ha ha.

“So, I figure we could meet up tomorrow, I’ll get my car service to pick you up and bring you here, and we can have a carpet picnic or whatever, maybe I’ll get a DVD and we can watch something.”

“Uh… Well, where do you live? I mean, I could easily take the train there. The trains run all night, right? How far away from the station are you?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ll give you my address, I’ll just arrange for the car service. It’s really no problem at all.”

“And by the way, I don’t want to have you think I would stay overnight and you’d have to drive me in to town the next morning. Let’s leave that possibility open and see what happens.”

“Oh, no, really, you’ll see, I’m a perfect gentleman. I have an extra bedroom and everything, so if you want to stay there, that’s perfectly fine with me; if not, whatever — there’s no pressure at all. Seriously, I want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

I hate to say it, but he’s smooth.

He continued, “But I would suggest you might want to pack an overnight bag; I mean, just in case you stay. It’s also more convenient so you can have your stuff with you if you need it.”

The guy is seriously amusing me.

What the hell. I’ll give it a go. There are lots of horrible worst-case scenarios, but I don’t think many of them will apply to this situation. And I am seriously entertained by this guy’s shenanigans!

 

Tough decisions February 15, 2009

I had a restless night last night. I spoke with my old friend and former flame, Computer Programmer, yesterday, entertaining him with some of my dating stories. He was both amused and a little jealous. He remarked a little sarcastically, “wow, a luxury of riches” when I told him about the Charmer and the Corporate Lawyer and the kind of attention I’d gotten recently at a bar. I laughed along — I tend to like laughing at myself, in any case. And I understood the kind of place he was in, feeling lonely and resenting being single.

But I woke up with a heavy, intense loneliness. I wanted to talk to The Charmer about his obnoxious text message and left a voicemail asking him to return my call. He hasn’t called me back yet, probably thinking I’m out on the group outing I’d been planning to go to. I also think my slow response is testing his patience. He is Mr. Right Now, and seems to be most interested in indulging his desires. One of the “Too Much Information” (TMI) details he disclosed right off the bat when we first met was his experimentation with hedonism. I didn’t even know it was a possible lifestyle choice, and I listened with an equal measure of amusement and curiosity.

All I want is something that seems so simple, so basic: the touch of another human being, a shared laugh, someone else’s warm breath on my nose, a pair of lips brushing mine. The Charmer seems more interested in contact of another variety, and Corporate Lawyer is distant and respectful. Neither is what I’m looking for, and I’m feeling sad. I think I might prefer to be alone instead of being reminded of what I don’t have; what doesn’t fit.

 

Unimpressed women and frustrated men February 14, 2009

Filed under: Comedy,Dating,Desire,Drama,frustration — datehazard @ 11:59 pm
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Why is it that there are so many unhappy looking people on Valentine’s Day?

And I’m not just talking about people without roses.

On the way back home from spending the day with my newly single friend The Artist, I noticed a woman talking to a man with That tone of voice. It was a quiet, explaining tone, but it had an edge of annoyance. I looked in her direction, but her male partner’s arm was blocking her face. He was holding onto an overhead railing, and she was facing him, her back to the train door.

She was trying to explain the building blocks of DNA to her companion. In her proper accented English, she explained that the human body was made up of proteins, down to the amino acids that make up DNA. Her partner, either willingly or unwittingly, did not seem to be able to understand this basic fact. She tried several versions of an explanation. She tried to relate genetic coding to something he would understand. She chose binary code. I assume he must have been in an IT-related field because of her choice, but I found that hard to believe, given that he didn’t seem to exercise the kind of logic required in the field.

He also seemed entirely unwilling to meet her halfway. I couldn’t really hear what he was saying to her, but I got the sense that he also wasn’t really that interested in understanding what she was saying. I looked at his back and his grey hair, noticed the disparity in age between them, the unkempt and rumpled state of his coat. I saw her wavy brown hair, the edge of her clear glasses, her red coat mismatched with an orange scarf. And I started to get angry.

As she started again to try to explain the four bases in the nucleic acid of DNA (AGTC) he smiled patronizingly at her, stepped closer to her in mid-sentence, and leaned in to kiss her. She returned a peck and tried to finish her sentence. He cut her off, “I just don’t get it, I mean, the body is made up of proteins? These are proteins?” And started stroking her hair. She tried to continue, “Yes, I mean, it’s the most basic fact. It’s really basic –” and then gave up.

Occasionally I would see her reflected profile in the subway car’s shiny metal walls. As she was leaving, I got a good look at her reflected face. Her mouth had a firmness, and a suppressed frown. Her eyes flashed annoyance and she pursed her mouth, then sighed abruptly. Her eyes trailed to the floor and stayed there.

I wanted to run after her, tell her not to sleep with this idiot of a man. Tell her that he wasn’t even attractive, with his grey stubble, soft jowls and faintly stained and spotted crumpled coat. That she is not a misfit, hardly unattractive, with wonderful brown hair and a sparkling, sharp mind. And that she hardly needed to entertain, not even for a minute, this mess of a human being; someone clearly not at all interested in her as a person and only involved in satisfying his own lust.

But I didn’t. And so I sat, disturbed, and a little upset by what I’d just seen.

Corporate Lawyer wanted to meet up with me and was really disappointed when I said no — but I think what I’d seen gave me pause to sit and reflect on what I was doing in my dating sphere, too. I just needed to spend some time by myself this evening.

And The Charmer sent a rather rude text message propositioning me, asking me to stay with him on Tuesday night and he would drive me to work on Wednesday. I didn’t know what to say, which is exactly what I replied. I mean, you’d think it would be nice to be asked to dinner, not to be just asked to come over and service him… which is kinda how it read. How disappointing.