Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

Playing games March 17, 2009

So, apparently, I’ve been doing it all wrong.

I had a most enlightening talk with a new friend (let’s call him The Author) this afternoon. He suggested that I stopped being so conscientious about the men I was pursuing and adopted the approach of a dog trainer.

Basically, if my “pet” was behaving, I would feed him treats and be nice to him; otherwise, I would train him to behave as I wished, and would punish him for being bad, and generally adopt an attitude of a lack of caring. He also advised strongly against pursuing the Analyst, saying that I needed to not pursue someone who was cold and distant (his translation for my, “he’s hard to read”). He also made a wide stereotypical statement about the Analyst, and said it was almost impossible for someone from his background to treat women with the respect that I was probably expecting and demanding.

Those words of advice played in my mind and lingered in my fears. But perhaps the most valuable thing he said was, “Don’t turn a farce into a melodrama. It’s just too much work.” How true. He also advised me to get laid.

I generally tend to heed men’s advice about other men, particularly if they’ve had some experience with the culture (which this man does have).

And so tonight I went out for St. Patrick’s Day to a local bar, got good and drunk and got someone’s phone number. But I didn’t follow the last part of my new friend’s advice.

Baby steps…

 

Walking away from The Charmer February 23, 2009

So, I wrote an e-mail to The Charmer this morning, saying that I was walking away.

It came out of my realisation last night that we are just looking for two different things. He wants someone who can be as morally free as him, and who can let him indulge in whatever sexual pecadilloes he chooses, and it was making me sad. I cried as I fell asleep last night, in the realisation that I couldn’t be with this man in the way I’d like. It was a mixture of exhaustion, self-pity, self-loathing and acceptance.

I told him that, strange as it may sound, he was one of the few people in my life I’ve ever met who I was immediately and strongly attracted to; the kind of person who I just cannot get enough of. It’s been many years since I’ve felt this way; in fact, other than when I was a teenager, I don’t remember the last time I felt like this.

If nothing else, that sense that my heart has awakened, and reminded me of how strongly it can feel, is an amazing thing. I’ve spent the last year in a haze, unfocussed and numb. I never thought I could feel this strongly again.

And now it’s over.

And life goes on.

 

The Dating Tutor February 21, 2009

Sometimes, when you don’t know what you’re doing, you need to talk to someone who’s been there, done that.

Like one of these fictional ladies.

Been There, Done That

And that’s exactly what I did last night. I ended up having a 3.5 hour conversation with my friend The Toronto Journalist. We haven’t spoken in months, and I figured it was time to give him a call. Especially since he’s from New York and lived here for most of his life.

The hours flew by and I dished to him about my most recent adventures, and my current fixation with The Charmer. He, in turn, told me about his current dating woes and the problems he’s having with his long-term girlfriend, The Box. The Box works in the medical field, and she Does Not Like Many Things. She’s also apparently super-private.

When The Toronto Journalist told me he’d never even met The Box’s friends, in the 1.5 years that they’ve been together, I was shocked. The Box liked to tell my friend, by way of explanation, “I’m sorry, but I’m just a private person.” Uh… Ok?

She also does not like taking photographs, and until The Journalist maneuvered her into a compromising situation (friendly to normal photography), with her brother and her family members’ help, he did not have a single photo of her. When he’d try to explain to her that it was important to him to be able to see her face while at work, or just to have a memento of her while she wasn’t around, she would reply, “Well, you can always just see me in person.”

Trouble in paradise. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

Meanwhile, he gave me the same advice I’d been giving myself: when it comes to The Charmer, the only way for me to be in this situation is to step back and see what he does next. If he’s really interested, he’ll let me know.

And he gave me an earful of information about men in New York City — the way most of them do indeed play the Seduction Game and string women along, and that most New York women understand this and also have their own game of manipulation. He did say, though, that when these men recognize or realise that they’re dealing with women who aren’t from the city, they usually drop their game and try to be real.

I wonder if it’s really that easy. I mean, if you always play a game, it becomes second nature. You don’t even know you’re still doing it.

Meanwhile I really do have to tell Corporate Lawyer that I am no longer dating just him. I know he’s dating around, and assumes I am too, but that doesn’t mean I have no responsibility to him.

And Non-Profit Guy and I are going to a play today. Purely as friends. In that “WTF??” way. I will keep you posted.

 

Rough Morning February 19, 2009

Filed under: breakups,Dating,Drama,Loneliness — datehazard @ 7:28 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I feel used.

I had a dream in which I was saying, matter-of-factly,
“That’s right. You have to put the facts together as they are. You can’t read them any other way.”

And then I woke up in a panic, thinking, “What if this was all some kind of a game with this guy? What if The Charmer’s one of those pick-up/seduction artists and he had some kind of a sick bet or something?”

I don’t think The Charmer had ever seriously intended to include me in his vacation plans. And so I initially panicked, thinking of the absolute worst-case scenario.

Then I realised that the worst-case actually didn’t make sense. If it really were a game, he would have told me so at the end, or indicated in some way how he won. I didn’t get that from him at all yesterday. He sounded apologetic and a little guilty.

I don’t think any PUA is THAT good of a liar.

Plus I know where he works, where he lives, and all of his contact information. And one of his friends.

But still, that feeling is really unnerving.

It’s confirmation of the need to really know someone before taking risks like these. Otherwise the results may be just too unpalatable.

No matter what, I think I have to refuse to see this from the eyes of a victim. I was an active agent who decided to forego control, and I panic when I do that. Instead of taking that approach, I need to accurately and carefully assess the fact that I have good instincts; I acted, knowing the risks of feeling hurt (my ego being bruised, not so much any kind of physical damage), and that I wanted to do so anyway, because the entertainment value won out.

But if The Charmer had been playing a game and I’d been going along, without seeing his game plan, would I have any right to be self-righteous?

Is this the nature of a hustle? That the wounded party feels too embarrassed to act, because they’ve acted on an impulse they feel to be unaltruistic, like greed or lust? When hustlers swindle people, their victims are often too embarrassed to complain, or file any kind of charges, recognizing that they were victims of their own avarice.

The thought is unnerving and unsettling.