Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

Rough Morning February 19, 2009

Filed under: breakups,Dating,Drama,Loneliness — datehazard @ 7:28 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I feel used.

I had a dream in which I was saying, matter-of-factly,
“That’s right. You have to put the facts together as they are. You can’t read them any other way.”

And then I woke up in a panic, thinking, “What if this was all some kind of a game with this guy? What if The Charmer’s one of those pick-up/seduction artists and he had some kind of a sick bet or something?”

I don’t think The Charmer had ever seriously intended to include me in his vacation plans. And so I initially panicked, thinking of the absolute worst-case scenario.

Then I realised that the worst-case actually didn’t make sense. If it really were a game, he would have told me so at the end, or indicated in some way how he won. I didn’t get that from him at all yesterday. He sounded apologetic and a little guilty.

I don’t think any PUA is THAT good of a liar.

Plus I know where he works, where he lives, and all of his contact information. And one of his friends.

But still, that feeling is really unnerving.

It’s confirmation of the need to really know someone before taking risks like these. Otherwise the results may be just too unpalatable.

No matter what, I think I have to refuse to see this from the eyes of a victim. I was an active agent who decided to forego control, and I panic when I do that. Instead of taking that approach, I need to accurately and carefully assess the fact that I have good instincts; I acted, knowing the risks of feeling hurt (my ego being bruised, not so much any kind of physical damage), and that I wanted to do so anyway, because the entertainment value won out.

But if The Charmer had been playing a game and I’d been going along, without seeing his game plan, would I have any right to be self-righteous?

Is this the nature of a hustle? That the wounded party feels too embarrassed to act, because they’ve acted on an impulse they feel to be unaltruistic, like greed or lust? When hustlers swindle people, their victims are often too embarrassed to complain, or file any kind of charges, recognizing that they were victims of their own avarice.

The thought is unnerving and unsettling.

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