Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

Strength in retreat April 8, 2009

The reason for the (comparative) long silence has been mainly because I’ve largely given up on dating as a strategy or a game. My general lack of being impressed with the interactions I’ve had lately has meant that I’ve taken to focussing on my work and on just living my life.

Until recently, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be back in NYC past the summer, especially since there had been some shake-ups at work. I’d assumed that I hadn’t made the cut, since I’m so new here. As I’d prepared my résumé and sent out some tentative job applications, I became convinced that I’d have to leave. As it so often turns out in my life, the day I told my roommate that I’d no longer be here past June was the same day I received a contract renewal. So it looks like I’ll be back here through December 2009 at least.

That means that I have to ramp up my research work in general and have some commitments to fulfill. Which meant a shift in focus away from dating to thinking through my next career steps. Hence the quiet.

And to be honest, I’d needed a break from so much emotional upheaval as well. It was, frankly, getting tedious. And tiring.

At the moment, there is a poet I’ve been communicating with, but we’re seeing if we can be friends at the moment. We met at a party and hit it off, having one of the best conversations I’d had in a long time. We met again this week to go to a weekly arts-related event that I generally attend on my own. We didn’t have quite such the great time again, but I feel like I’m getting a better sense of him as a person, which is always a good thing. It’s too early to say right now whether there is any spark or any possibility of having this go beyond anything but a platonic friendship, but I’m really enjoying this kind of interaction.

This is one of the reasons why it’s so difficult to do internet dating, I think. There’s always that pressure: that proverbial elephant in the room, precariously cramped on a stool in the corner, trying to be unobtrusive. No matter how friendly one gets (and perhaps particularly when one DOES get along with one’s date), it always seems the dating question is at the fore. It’s never about just getting to know someone, slowly, organically. Because we happen to attend the same kinds of events and like the same kinds of things. Instead, we “happen” to meet because we “happen” to employ a search engine that “organically” selects each of us for the other, based on stated qualifications and needs and wants. That thrill of discovery; that spark of initial interest; that ember of romance that comes from meeting someone in the flesh and randomly finding out mutual interests and passions, isn’t included. And so dating becomes an interview process: a series of trials and eliminations.

 

Corporate Lawyer got laid off March 12, 2009

Filed under: breakups,Exes,Not about dating — datehazard @ 11:34 am
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I don’t even know how to start this post. Corporate Lawyer texted me that he just got laid off.

There’s really nothing intelligent or helpful I can say in response to that. I asked if he wanted to meet up tomorrow, if not this evening.

 

Goodbye, Corporate Lawyer March 11, 2009

Filed under: Adjusting,breakups,Dating,Singleness — datehazard @ 11:22 pm
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One of the things I’m starting to learn is how important friendships are to me.

I spent the evening hanging out with The Artist in her studio; we had a great time chatting about nothing in particular while she did some repetitive work on an installation.

I had originally intended to go to yet another networking event, but decided against it after I realised I’d rather spend time with my friend. Just random, plain, unstructured, lovely, friendship building time. I don’t remember the last time I allowed myself that luxury.

I realise there are a lot of things I’ve omitted or let decay while I was in a relationship with my previous boyfriend — so much so I didn’t even realise what I’d let go, and how one-dimensional I’d gotten. You can’t have this kind of time with a friend, when you’re in a committed relationship, really. There’s always something couple-related to do: some schedule to follow, some compromise to fulfill, somewhere to be.

Talking to The Artist made me realise that I needed to face the Corporate Lawyer and call it what it was. So, I met him for a late dinner (he’d just come off work), and told him that I’d prefer if we stayed friends, but that I really liked him and did mean friends. Not just sorta occasionally hanging out. And definitely not fading into the woodwork, or into the distance. Or whatever metaphor you’d like to pick to suit your mood.

He was worried about his job and really thinks he’s going to lose his position in his firm this Friday; or if not this Friday, then some other week. He looked dejected when I told him that generally most layoffs do occur on Fridays, not the middle of the week. He also told me about the argument he’d had with his sister and the annoyance he’d felt at his friend, a fellow corporate lawyer. He was going to say something really mean about her, but stopped himself, just as I intervened and tried to gently direct his attention elsewhere. I could see the stress and worry on his face. But I think that he’d be fine if he lost his job. He has good skills, works for one of the best law firms, and has done interesting work. It is definitely hard, though, and I felt guilty for giving him the “let’s be friends” speech given his current stress level.

But I certainly don’t think that giving him the speech would be better if I’d waited. There is really no good time to say “I’m sorry, I’d like to see other people.”

And now I’m off to bed. It’s been a long day.

 

Meeting the friends & family March 1, 2009

Filed under: Adjusting,Dating — datehazard @ 11:38 pm
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Last night, I met up with the Corporate Lawyer, his sister, his visiting lawyer friend, and her two married friends (another corporate lawyer, and an architect).

We had dinner at a delicious restaurant, and I got very drunk while we were waiting for our table. It took a while for them to get our table ready, eventhough we had a reservation, and Corporate Lawyer and myself were the first people to arrive. The drink I had at the bar, on an empty stomach, went right to my head. Fortunately, the drunkenness really came into full force during the serving of the main course, and no one seemed to notice.

Meanwhile, Corporate Lawyer had been particularly agitated that day, and told me that he was really worried that he was going to get the axe at work. He’d read one of his partner’s actions as a sign that his performance was not considered up to snuff. It didn’t sound that way to me, but I’m not sure if there was more information he was withholding, and didn’t press for details. He was miserable enough as it was. At one point, he said to me, “well, DH, I guess you’re going to be the only breadwinner soon.”

I laughed at him and gave him a hug to cheer him up.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re still not dating exclusively, and I still get the “I’m not sure I’m that into you” vibe from him, but he’s starting to open up a little more to me. Which is, frankly, neither a good nor a bad thing.

Call me opportunistic or just plain lazy — or most likely both — but I just don’t really care about this relationship. He has a lot on his plate, as do I, and I’m perfectly happy to coast for now. Especially after the drama of The Charmer. It’s nice to hang out (and occasionally make out) with someone who’s pretty undemanding, pleasant company, and pretty straightforward. I keep thinking that we should be having a serious conversation about Where This Is Going, but last time I checked (about a week ago), he was totally uncomfortable with anything serious, and told me that he was happy with how things were. Which I clarified as that we’re dating other people. The only thing I asked for was that he would tell me if/when he slept with someone else, for my own health’s sake. We’re both cautious and safe people, but I’d rather minimize my risk whenever possible.

So, I guess there’s nothing to worry about?

I’m not looking to date anyone else right now. Should I be? Should I hedge my bets?

This is starting to feel like work…

 

There are some benefits… February 3, 2009

Filed under: Children,Singleness — datehazard @ 4:04 pm
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… to being single and childless.

Not the least of which is this painful clip: A Family’s Tale.

The woman’s response at the end of the clip was pretty heartbreaking. You can see her really trying to put on a happy face. 😦