Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

Loneliness March 14, 2009

Sometimes, I hate romantic movies. Or romantic scenes in movies. They bring up that aching, yearning sensation for intimacy, physical and emotional, which is generally present in most romantic relationships, even if the relationship’s going off the rails.

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with The Grad Student, who told me that he’d had a rough night, dreaming about his ex. He dreamt that he asked her why she just left, instead of telling him or talking to him. He’d awakened, angry and disappointed, and called me to talk about it. We went through the usual “why are you in this spot, what do you need to move on” stuff, but something he said made me think about the way that loneliness is so hard to delimit. It’s one of those things that just seeps up in quiet moments, a nagging lack.

Work is a good distraction, but no one can work all day, all the time. Friends are great, too, but the conversation ends, and echoes of that intimacy slowly fade into the emptiness.

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Mental health day February 22, 2009

Filed under: Singleness — datehazard @ 11:58 am
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Today I’m taking a mental health day. I’m also feeling a little under the weather. My low-grade sinus infection that has been developing over the last few days has nicely bloomed into a medium-grade state.

This is always my body’s cue to get me to slow down and to stop stressing about the small stuff. Like whether The Charmer will want to see me when he gets back. Whether he’s thinking about me at all. Whether anything can happen between us. Honestly, I started to get depressed, thinking about how he just doesn’t seem to be that into me. And yet, he keeps texting me and asking how I am and what I’m up to. Why do I put myself in this position? Why can’t I just delete his contact information and stop checking my phone? I am worn down and sad.

Meanwhile Indie Musician got mad at me for not calling him back. I’d been hesitant because I thought he’d lied to me about his age. When we met, he apologized for his lie–which actually turned out not to be a lie. He thought he’d e-mailed me his fake age, but actually had been upfront with me. We spoke on the phone and I said that the sense of unease and a bad first impression still remained. He had to rush off to his job, but he said he’d call later.

I honestly don’t have that much of a hope for this one, since I tend to hate liars. I had one bad experience in the past with a liar and he turned out to be quite the liar: a coke addict, who slept around with prostitutes and was a cross-dresser as well. And I found out all about that when I returned from a weekend away. My last boyfriend also lied; our relationship opened up with him lying about checking other women out on an online dating site. He hadn’t slept with them or gone out with them, but it was a rude shock, since he’d declared his undying devotion to me. Just before I found out. Needless to say, I’m a little gun-shy when it comes to people who lie, even about small shit.

So I’m taking a mental health day today. I’m still in my PJs, I’m going to eat some nice food, I’m going to call some friends and chat about nothing in particular, and maybe see a movie on my computer.

Corporate Lawyer wants to see me this evening but I am disappointed in him. He’d taken his visiting friend out to a performance yesterday, put on by another friend of his from high school. I felt like the unwashed FWB: never good enough to date publicly, but good enough to have in bed, and out as arm candy.

Ugh. Enough negativity! Time to rock out to some tunes and get on with it.

 

Friends in need February 21, 2009

Last night my friend The Artist got really drunk. So drunk she ended up being taken care of by my other friend The Grad Student. We had all been at the networking event, and we’d gone out to a bar afterwards (where I met up with The Corporate Lawyer).

While the Corporate Lawyer and I left to get a bite to eat, my friends stayed at the bar, chatting happily. This morning the Grad Student called and gave me the scoop. Apparently The Artist had been so drunk that she’d been unable to walk without assistance when they left the bar. As he told it, since she was way too drunk to make it back to her house, he took her to his home and put her to bed. She proceeded to vomit all over the subway car in the ride back to his apartment. And then into a bucket he’d thoughtfully placed by her head, all night. And into the morning. Poor woman!

The Artist is still really hung up about her ex, the Man-Child. The Grad Student told me about their conversation in the morning, where The Artist went on at length about how poorly her ex had treated her, and how she thought he had been too premature in his decision to end the relationship. She’s still in Step 1 of the breakup, of course. It was only about 2 weeks ago that they’d broken up.

I was glad that my two friends, and now two new friends to each other, could look out for each other and take care of each other when they needed help.

 

…and I was right. I hate when I’m right. February 18, 2009

Just spoke with the Charmer. I was right. He uninvited me from his original trip, explaining that he’d planned to go on the trip by himself, not because our date last night was on any level a “failure.”

So I asked what’s next? And he said he’d like to take me out on a “real date” when he gets back.

I have no clue why we didn’t just make it a “real” date last night then, if that’s the kind of relationship he wants to pursue. It makes no sense to me. Except for the fact that he explained that he’s an impulsive person by nature, and that he’s trying to avoid being so impulsive.

Frankly, I think the explanation is simple: he doesn’t want to have me in his life in the category of “possible girlfriend.” But he doesn’t want to just walk away either. At this point he’s really not sure what he wants.

And to be honest, I’m not sure he’s what I’m looking for, either. What I really liked about him is what he represented to me: he held up a mirror to me and reminded me of the way I’m driven, pretty much a workaholic and someone capable of immersing herself completely in work. And that I’d been whiling away the last year trying to get back into that head space.

So really, I was using him, too. Although I don’t think I knew it at the time.

Who knows what might happen if we decide to get to know each other more carefully? After the heat has faded, we might realise that we really have nothing to talk about, and nothing in common at all.

I do have to say, though, that the meeting of the minds was pretty incredible, even if nothing else happens after this. That, I don’t regret, at all.

Tonight I’m going to bed wearing the t-shirt I wore to his bed last night. It smells of his cologne, but not of him. It is a poor stand in. And I know the scent will dissipate with time.