Datehazard’s Blog

On dating, singleness and adjusting to being 30ish.

Loneliness March 14, 2009

Sometimes, I hate romantic movies. Or romantic scenes in movies. They bring up that aching, yearning sensation for intimacy, physical and emotional, which is generally present in most romantic relationships, even if the relationship’s going off the rails.

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with The Grad Student, who told me that he’d had a rough night, dreaming about his ex. He dreamt that he asked her why she just left, instead of telling him or talking to him. He’d awakened, angry and disappointed, and called me to talk about it. We went through the usual “why are you in this spot, what do you need to move on” stuff, but something he said made me think about the way that loneliness is so hard to delimit. It’s one of those things that just seeps up in quiet moments, a nagging lack.

Work is a good distraction, but no one can work all day, all the time. Friends are great, too, but the conversation ends, and echoes of that intimacy slowly fade into the emptiness.

Advertisements
 

Birthday week is the busiest week March 2, 2009

Filed under: Desire,frustration,Singleness — datehazard @ 10:54 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

It’s my birthday this week. I turn 35.

If I could catch a breath to think about that, I might feel a little sad; mainly because my life isn’t where I’d imagined it would be at this point. And it would be nice to be able to catch my breath.

But it is a really crazy week. Work-related functions have just sky-rocketed and I have 6 major functions to attend in a space of 4 days. Each function will take about 3-4 hours of my time. Some of the functions will require much more time than that. And they are all on consecutive days, and require that I have my people skills in place as I will be dealing with a lot of different types of people. And somewhere in there the Corporate Lawyer wants to see me and (pardon my French) fuck my brains out. Trust me, I am long overdue for a good session. But I just don’t have the time this week.

I know he’ll be disappointed. He’d been trying to make plans to spend a night together for a few weeks now. But it’s either I drop these events (which happen once a year), or I drop my plans with him. They are not compatible.

Again, this schedule is not what I’d envisioned for a relaxing birthday week. My initial plan was to take an extended long weekend and go somewhere cheap and warm, like Florida, or wherever I could find a cheap travel deal. Instead, I’m going to be working my butt off, and having to shift gears several times this week, between teaching, then networking, then mingling, and politicking.

Attending all of these events means that I don’t even have the space to think about turning 35. It’s a great way to stay focussed, and I’m really glad I love what I do.

But clearly, once again, work wins.

When am I going to learn how to prioritize my social life?

 

Meeting the friends & family March 1, 2009

Filed under: Adjusting,Dating — datehazard @ 11:38 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Last night, I met up with the Corporate Lawyer, his sister, his visiting lawyer friend, and her two married friends (another corporate lawyer, and an architect).

We had dinner at a delicious restaurant, and I got very drunk while we were waiting for our table. It took a while for them to get our table ready, eventhough we had a reservation, and Corporate Lawyer and myself were the first people to arrive. The drink I had at the bar, on an empty stomach, went right to my head. Fortunately, the drunkenness really came into full force during the serving of the main course, and no one seemed to notice.

Meanwhile, Corporate Lawyer had been particularly agitated that day, and told me that he was really worried that he was going to get the axe at work. He’d read one of his partner’s actions as a sign that his performance was not considered up to snuff. It didn’t sound that way to me, but I’m not sure if there was more information he was withholding, and didn’t press for details. He was miserable enough as it was. At one point, he said to me, “well, DH, I guess you’re going to be the only breadwinner soon.”

I laughed at him and gave him a hug to cheer him up.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re still not dating exclusively, and I still get the “I’m not sure I’m that into you” vibe from him, but he’s starting to open up a little more to me. Which is, frankly, neither a good nor a bad thing.

Call me opportunistic or just plain lazy — or most likely both — but I just don’t really care about this relationship. He has a lot on his plate, as do I, and I’m perfectly happy to coast for now. Especially after the drama of The Charmer. It’s nice to hang out (and occasionally make out) with someone who’s pretty undemanding, pleasant company, and pretty straightforward. I keep thinking that we should be having a serious conversation about Where This Is Going, but last time I checked (about a week ago), he was totally uncomfortable with anything serious, and told me that he was happy with how things were. Which I clarified as that we’re dating other people. The only thing I asked for was that he would tell me if/when he slept with someone else, for my own health’s sake. We’re both cautious and safe people, but I’d rather minimize my risk whenever possible.

So, I guess there’s nothing to worry about?

I’m not looking to date anyone else right now. Should I be? Should I hedge my bets?

This is starting to feel like work…

 

…and I was right. I hate when I’m right. February 18, 2009

Just spoke with the Charmer. I was right. He uninvited me from his original trip, explaining that he’d planned to go on the trip by himself, not because our date last night was on any level a “failure.”

So I asked what’s next? And he said he’d like to take me out on a “real date” when he gets back.

I have no clue why we didn’t just make it a “real” date last night then, if that’s the kind of relationship he wants to pursue. It makes no sense to me. Except for the fact that he explained that he’s an impulsive person by nature, and that he’s trying to avoid being so impulsive.

Frankly, I think the explanation is simple: he doesn’t want to have me in his life in the category of “possible girlfriend.” But he doesn’t want to just walk away either. At this point he’s really not sure what he wants.

And to be honest, I’m not sure he’s what I’m looking for, either. What I really liked about him is what he represented to me: he held up a mirror to me and reminded me of the way I’m driven, pretty much a workaholic and someone capable of immersing herself completely in work. And that I’d been whiling away the last year trying to get back into that head space.

So really, I was using him, too. Although I don’t think I knew it at the time.

Who knows what might happen if we decide to get to know each other more carefully? After the heat has faded, we might realise that we really have nothing to talk about, and nothing in common at all.

I do have to say, though, that the meeting of the minds was pretty incredible, even if nothing else happens after this. That, I don’t regret, at all.

Tonight I’m going to bed wearing the t-shirt I wore to his bed last night. It smells of his cologne, but not of him. It is a poor stand in. And I know the scent will dissipate with time.

 

What to do when you’re lonely February 15, 2009

Filed under: Adjusting,Desire,frustration,Singleness — datehazard @ 10:48 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

One thing I’ve found that works really well is to do some work. Work that is intellectually stimulating but also possibly brings you into contact with other people. This evening, after feeling blue all day, I met up with a group of fellow writers for our regular get-together. We discussed the assigned writing for the week, went through what worked, what needed help, and ate some lovely snacks.

It was exactly the kind of push I needed to stop wallowing and fixating on my upcoming conversation with the Charmer. He is out on a date, and offered to call me at the end of his evening. I suspect that would be some time early next morning, if at all. Why do guys make offers that they have no intention of keeping? He’d also let me know that last night he’d escorted his “colleague” (his quotations) to a work-related get together, and ended up sleeping at her place as a result of “too much wine.” Right. I’m sure the wine played a very small role in the reason why he slept over.

I want to talk to him to tell him that I’m not interested in having a casual relationship with him. But at the same time, I’m really wondering whether that’s a good decision. I remember how attracted I was to him, and it confuses me. When my feelings override my reason, I always become confused. And probably spend too much time thinking about what I should do next, instead of making a prudent decision.

In any case, the point is moot, since he hasn’t called, and I’m starting to feel more inclined to giving Corporate Lawyer a chance. We’ll see. At this point it’s too difficult to make a decision one way or another. Meanwhile, I’m looking forward to starting my next writing assignment. I offered to submit my work for the next meeting, in a genre I haven’t practiced in over 10 years. It’s an excuse to practice that form, and I could use the challenge. And the excuse to shift my focus from something I have little control over.

 

Oh and no Sunday outing

Filed under: Dating,Singleness — datehazard @ 12:20 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

I decided not to bother going on the Sunday outing I’d been looking forward to. I really don’t need to add more possible dating partners to my roster right now, and frankly, I’m exhausted. All of this focus on emotions is also seriously starting to get boring.

Between me trying to figure out what my dating partners are doing and trying to be supportive to my newly single friends, I don’t have much space for daydreaming, brainstorming, or planning anything else that generally keeps me happy. So. Back to my shell. And back to the comfort of work.

 

Just another solitary Friday night February 6, 2009

Filed under: Adjusting,Loneliness,Singleness — datehazard @ 10:07 pm
Tags: , ,

So, Corporate Lawyer and I met up last night for a drink. One thing led to another, which led to some fooling around. Nothing terribly serious.

And he’s probably out on a date tonight, while I’m in my usual Friday night alone state. I’m not complaining, though; I made myself a nice dinner, poured myself a lovely glass of red Californian Zinfandel to accompany my meal, and am calling it a night — at only 10 p.m.!

I had a full day today, though; met up with a colleague who asked some tough questions about my work and gave me some useful suggestions. Many of his suggestions would involve a substantial re-write and new research. I have more thinking to do, to figure out which suggestions would work. And more research, obviously. I’d forgotten the impulse to establish oneself as the expert, and how that’s done — meeting my focussed colleague reminded me. I’ve been trying to avoid spending time on the weekends working, but I’m starting to see that it’s not possible to just work regular hours like everyone else. The kind of work I do is just too demanding. No wonder my social life is a shambles.

As for Corporate Lawyer, we’re meeting up tomorrow afternoon some time to go to a gallery or do something or other. You know, I still don’t really feel anything for him. Even when we kiss. I don’t even really like the look of his face up close. It’s not that I’m repulsed, I’m just not really engaged. Indifference is usually a terrible indicator for the success of a relationship.

I wanted to write something trite, like, “my flesh is clearly weak,” but that would do a disservice to the real comfort and relief I felt at touching — and being touched by — another human being: at being close to someone else, skin-to-skin. One part of my mind noted his bad breath, soft belly, and sagging derriere, but those thoughts were crowded out by the loud urgency and immediacy of physical contact. It’s so simple, and so vital.